My husband makes fun of me for not being a morning person. Throughout our experience as parents, he left for work earlier than me and getting the kids up and ready for the day was my
punishment for something done in a previous life responsibility. I’ve come to believe that is the reason that I don’t like mornings (other than the fact that I have a strong love affair with sleep). Today, for example, left me giggling hysterically and nearly in tears at the same time. Because if you can’t laugh…
5:45am Dog vomits. I can not find my glasses. Is that an animal or grass? Is that a KIT KAT WRAPPER?!?! Note to self, consider later if I should forget I saw that or apologize to hubs for accusing him of stealing my chocolate. Also, look up how much chocolate a dog can eat before getting violently ill. Again.
5:50am All 3 kids are up because cursing at dog vomit is not as quiet an activity as you might think. Begin our day, knowing there will not be enough coffee for this day.
6:15am Child #1 comes downstairs with shorts, a tank-top, unmatched soccer socks and a panda hat on. I pick my battles after I see that 2 and 3 are reasonably dressed and #3 is helping 1 and 2 make breakfast.
6:25am POP! What. Was. That. #3 blew up an egg in the microwave. No bigs. #1 is crying because that means potentially no egg for breakfast. #2 is going to be helpful by burning toast. Granola bars for all!
6:40am I am finally in the shower. We have an invisible line drawn so kids don’t come in while I’m getting dressed or showering. Apparently we need to make that line visible and a physical barrier because “Yes you and your brother are twins but boys and girls can’t be identical and no I’m not explaining how babies are made right now and NO you can not take money to school to buy *something* off a friend if you won’t tell me what *something* is and YES you have to brush your teeth every day and NO you can not use my towel to wipe off the dog’s slobber and PLEASE LEAVE and YES I really meant it and your tardy bell rings at 7:45 and NO it does not mean the police will take you away if you are tardy and NO the police do not know every time you are home sick and NO you are not sick so get up off the floor and NO chocolate cookies are not an okay snack for school and WHY CAN I NOT SHOWER IN PEACE?!?!?!”
7:00am The rundown: Did you eat? Brush your teeth? Brush hair? Homework in your backpack? Snack? Water bottle? Anything else…? At least one child will inevitably
lie forget something after 47 reminders. Then they’re off for a few minutes down the street with the dog, fighting over whose turn it is to both walk her and clean up her poop (the privilege of walking = the chore of poop scooping). Fighting ensues, as it has every day for the past 37, over whose day it is to walk the dog/scoop the poop. I refer to the chart, which is birth order and lacks complication. Fights ensue outside so the entire neighborhood hears. Child lets go of dog to tie shoe. Other child catches dog and yells at first child. Third child gets involved and yells at both. I go outside and scream-whisper in my robe that if they don’t get back in the house I might come outside in my robed glory. Nothing like an embarrassing threat to get your kids to obey. Also, hi neighbors. I’m sorry, I love you, I’m somewhat normal, promise!
7:15am Teacher has emailed to not forget permission slips. I email back, asking if I have turned them all in because in the past week, I recall signing 42 permission slips, writing checks for a group craft, a field trip or 12, a kid who has overdrawn a lunch account by sneaking 42 breakfasts and maybe my mortgage, which is totally a maybe. Teacher confirms I’m on top of it which is clearly a joke. Teacher #2 emails to not forget about costume for presentation. Was this the monkey presentation or the dress up like *mumble mumble* presentation followed by an “I hate you mom” door slam that I forgot to follow up with? Oh good, the one I have a costume for, again, winning!
7:25am We were supposed to be out the door 10 minutes ago. Why is the dog in the pantry and why is the candy bowl where she can reach it? There is wet laundry in the washer that will stay there for…I’m going to go with at least 2 more days. There is a sink full of dishes that I had really good intentions to deal with this morning. The dog has now eaten a Twix Bar. Luckily, I know how to induce vomiting safely because my dog has a death wish, so I handle that while I shuffle the kids to the car and ask a friend to check on the dog throughout the day.
7:40am We’re in the drop-off line! We’ve made it! I love you, be amazing today! Wait. What? How did you get out the door with no shoes? They’re in your backpack? Then get them out. Of course your backpack is at home on the porch…
You just can’t make this stuff up. And this, my friends, is why I need a nap every day around 7:15pm.