I will be 35 in a few months. 35. The age I said I would be done having kids. Except I don’t know if I am.
We’ve battled infertility, pregnancy loss, and high-risk pregnancies to build our little family. We have three amazing boys that we couldn’t love more. Our family doesn’t feel incomplete. I don’t “need” a girl, as so many people assume. I don’t have a set number of children that I have always wanted.
Setting a cut-off for having children has always been about not wanting to be an “old” parent, and not wanting to have a huge gap between our children. I had my first at 25 years old, so a ten year span seemed perfect to me. I know there are benefits to being an older parent, and having children spaced far apart can be great too. It just isn’t the plan I had in mind.
But now here I am, and I just don’t feel done.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I will always want another baby. How could I not want more of the most beautiful moments in my life?
As we were doing a writing assignment the other day, my students asked me what was the happiest day of my life. In an instant my mind flashed to the moment that my first-born son was placed into my arms. The moment I knew what I was put on this Earth to do. I so clearly remember the rush of emotions and pure joy I felt.
Babies change everything. They bring an infinite chain of precious moments we try desperately to cling on to. I will always want more of that.
I want to hear my older child whisper “I love you baby” as he lays his head on my growing belly.
To feel little hiccups reminding me that a tiny human is thriving in my womb.
To see little eyes looking up at me as I nourish my baby with my body.
To sit in the darkness staring at the baby’s chest rise and fall…you know, just to be sure.
To see how my newborn’s head turns toward me at the sound of my voice.
To walk around the mall with a tiny baby nestled close to my chest in the carrier.
To see the first smile.
To hear the first deep belly laugh that makes everyone in the room giggle too.
To feel the excitement in the room as our family cheers on the new baby trying to roll over for the first time.
To feel the chubby little hands wrap around my waist when my toddler stands in his crib to give me a hug.
To witness hundreds of other moments that are just too precious to put into words.
If you’re like me, you can vividly remember each of the moments listed above. You read those words, and your heart doesn’t know if it’s filled with joy or sadness that the moments have passed all too quickly. You think having (1, 3, 5…) kids is so hard, but how could you not want just one more?
Most importantly you know, like me, that those sweet little babies grow to be the most amazing little people who fill your life with purpose and hope. Isn’t that reason enough to do it all over again?
Maybe I will have another baby, maybe not. I guess only time will tell. Today I’ll just enjoy dreaming about the possibility.