Last night we sold our baby furniture to make room for the “big kid” furniture. It was time to get rid of all the baby stuff since we no longer need it.
We are done having kids.
A young couple showed up to haul away the furniture that we once used to rock our babies to sleep, and the excitement and joy in their eyes seemed all to familiar. I felt the same way when we laid eyes on this furniture for the first time.
After we loaded up their truck, I shook their hands and congratulated them. I walked upstairs to my daughter’s room, sat on the floor staring at the wall where her furniture once was and completely broke down. The emotions poured through me. This is it. We are done with having kids. I sat there letting the emotions consume me until I had no tears left. I wasn’t sad about letting the furniture go, I was sad because we were closing the book on the baby years. I will not hold anymore newborn babies of my own. My time with babies is over and the emotional breakdown was my way of grieving.
I absolutely loved and adored that first year of my childrens’ lives. I don’t remember it being hard, stressful, or sleepless, even though I know that it was. Somehow, the sleeplessness and sheer exhaustion that consumes us in those first couples years is overshadowed by (thankfully) the memories of rocking our babies to sleep in carefully selected gliders, the pleasant smell of freshly bathed toddlers, and early morning snuggles. But, sometimes, when we are least expecting it, the sadness creeps in.
Whether it hits you all at once, or slowly creeps in, the sadness and realization that you are done having babies is bittersweet.
Whether after your child’s first birthday party, the completion of potty training, your husband’s vasectomy, or your kindergarteners first sleep-over, the realization that this is your last is a tough pill to swallow.
Why is it so hard?
The idea of not having anymore children just feels so….permanent.
But you know what? Although my children are growing up, they will ALWAYS be my babies. And even though I may ache to hold a newborn from time to time, I will always find peace in my memories and the memories that have yet to be made.