I’m Sorry

I’m sorry, my sweet girl.

I’m sorry that I don’t have the patience I want to have for you. I have never been a patient person, and though I can see that you are teaching me, I am still not where I want to be. You have been sick, teething (molars, to be exact,) and chock full of attitude for nearly two weeks. I realize you are almost two, and this is par for the course. I realize you are tired of your temperature being taken, of taking medicine, of being told to take a drink, of having your nose wiped, of not understanding why you can’t play outside and why you don’t feel well. 

I’m sorry that I’m in my second trimester with your little sister, and that I am still nauseated and tired most days, and that my growing belly makes it hard to get you in and out of your crib. I’m sorry that I haven’t felt like playing like we normally do. I feel like I’m stealing something precious away from you, and you don’t understand what is going on.  

I’m sorry that I yelled at you this morning. I don’t want to be a mom who yells, but this morning, day 9 of your recent sickness and teething, I ran out of patience. And I yelled. Loudly. And I’m so very sorry. 

You see little one, I love you with a fire I didn’t know existed. I love your Daddy, without a doubt, and I love your fur-brother fiercely, but my love for you is different. I pray that someday you will get to experience this all-consuming fire too, and that you will one day understand. This fire burns strong and bright and usually is a happy, welcome fire. But there are times when Mommy is so tired, is sick herself, has a pressing work deadline, is sad to see you sick, or other things out of your control, where that fire burns out of control and Mommy doesn’t know what to do. So Mommy yells in frustration, and sometimes that yelling is directed at you, which is unfair. And it breaks Mommy’s heart, because she never wants to hurt you.  From the moment I learned I was carrying you inside me, I have loved you.  I have also made mistakes, and I will continue to do so.  But I hope you know my love for you wins every time.

 

 

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